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Spouse causing problems for a Soldier in AIT

The comprehensive guide to the Military Decision Making Process (MDMP)
Situation: My child’s spouse called the commander because they cannot get their ID card. My daughter’s has done everything they are supposed to do. She filled out the proper paperwork and the spouse did not go get their ID in time so the paperwork expired. She got counseled for this and now he is threatening to call again because he still doesn’t have his ID. The spouse is making demands on my daughter, harassing her and threatening her. They are also in the process of getting a divorce. What can she do?

The response is provided based on the information you shared. It is not legal advice nor should this information be used to make a decision. It is highly recommended you speak with your chain of command, IG, and/or JAG before making any decisions.

It is always a difficult when a relationship is not doing well and the spouse contacts the chain of command.  Keep in mind the command usually counsels a Soldier in these situations because it is the wise thing to do.  It does not necessarily mean it is a problem for your daughter as long as she is doing what she is suppose to do.  Did she get a copy of the counseling statement?

Let’s break this down. 

First your daughter might want to write down everything she has done to this point.  When she sent the initial paperwork, what actions or information she has provided to her husband to ensure he could get his ID, etc.  Then consider keeping track of every phone call she receives:  Date/Time/ and what the spouse stated.  Depending on the conditions and laws she might want to consider recording the spouse’s threats.  She will need to keep the chain of command up to date as to what she is doing to resolve the issue and the threats/conversations with her spouse.  She should consider speaking with her Drill Sergeant as to the best way he/she would like to stay informed.  She can also request to see the Commander on “OPEN DOOR POLICY”.  This allows Soldiers to speak directly with the commander.  However I would encourage her to use the NCO Support channel first:  Drill Sergeant, Senior Drill Sergeant, and First Sergeant.

Next, she should consider:

  1. Giving this information to her commander and letting the commander know the husband is continuing to threaten her that he will keep calling even though she has done her part and that her husband is just seeking to make it hard on her and trying to get her kicked out of the service.
  2. On the back of each counseling statement the is a session closing block and the Soldier has a chance to write down their side of the story.  I would consider writing down her side of the story if she is counseled again.  The form is called a DA FORM 4856 and a copy can be found at:

Here are some article you might want to read on ASKTOP about counseling and rebuttal.

  1. How do I tell my side of the story on a counseling statement?

Do I have to allow a Soldier time to respond to a counseling statement?

Finally, once the command realizes the Soldier is doing their part and the spouse is being unreasonable, they usually tend to stay focused on helping the Soldier correct the issue and the spouse’s credibility tends to be called into question.

Hope this helps!

Did you find this information useful? If so please let me know?

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Mark is a Retired Command Sergeant Major with 26 years of military leadership experience. He held 3 military occupational specialties (Field Artillery, Nuclear Weapons Tech, and Ammunition Ordnance). Mark is one of the leading military authors in the fields of leadership, counseling, and training.

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